Moments

I think I had a moment of emotional clarity this evening. As I rocked Benjamin much longer than I normally would, my heart realized how much I love my son. I think my heart stopped the moment I first saw him in the hospital, but there's something extra special about a few quiet moments spent together in the days approaching Christmas. Today we attempted to purchase every one of our Christmas gifts along with a badly-needed new carseat. There was enough snow on the ground from Saturday that a ruler would probably get lost if we tried to measure it.

We started by trying to make a meal for someone recently home from a long stay in the hospital. Stephen walked in the door with the groceries and had to immediately turn around and go back to the store to purchase disposable casserole pans. As Stephen attempted to dig my car out of the snow, I stood in the kitchen with the oven beeping, my cell phone ringing, and Benjamin yelling over the monitor, having just awoken from his nap. The meals took much longer than normal to cook and we rushed out the door to begin the shopping fun. After making it to Babies R Us, coupons in tow, and the carseat purchased, we realized the box would not fit in the car. We also realized that we could no longer muster up the strength to squeeze Benjamin into the infant carseat (despite him still being in the size limits). Plan B: install the new carseat in the parking lot.

After finally making it to the mall, we got out of the car, got Benjamin into the stroller, and he promptly spit up all over himself. We eventually made it to the food court for dinner and found that the only highchair we could find in the place had a broken latch. I eventually made it to the lovely mall bathroom at Christmas-time baby changing table after eating and attempted to decontaminate the area before the changing-not an easy task with the spit-up kid who has no desire to be still. I was afraid it would be reminiscent of the Harvest Festival evening at the church when Benjamin aimed the supersoaker high and got everything wet.

We made our first successful purchase with approximately one hour left until baby bedtime. Hallmark proved to be slightly overwhelming to navigate with a stroller and a child highly interested in Lenox photo frames and ornament keepsakes. Each new store was an event in navigation. Turn the corner, and wait! There's a stack of bags there. Now I need to inconvenience the people behind me because I have to reverse the stroller since there's not enough room to turn it around. Sigh. Nothing purchased there. Target did prove to have a bounty of unexpected gifts though. And Bath and Body Works proved to be oddly inexpensive due to a combination of coupons I had and the "2 or 3 for $xx" deals.

We decided on the things Stephen would have to buy during the week and I know I still need to purchase something for my own husband, but it was just getting too late. We hit route 100 and had to sit and wait behind someone who decided the left turning lane wasn't good enough for him. He wanted to use the left lane of traffic to make his turn. And yet, as we drove home, I turned to Stephen and said, "I think I'm in some sort of denial that Christmas is this week." You would think the events of the weekend would help me towards that conclusion, but I have yet to hear Santa's sleigh.

I'm sure that I have make many mistakes over this past year as a new mom, but I do know this, I love my child. I have had many negative attitudes and said many negative things to my husband, but it will work itself out. I wish sometimes that I could be a better parent, but then I realize I most often wish for kids' sakes that other people were better parents. Inevitably I will disappoint someone, but I do my best to do what's best for Benjamin. And that, I think, is one of the tough lessons to learn when you become a parent. But there is no greater joy in my eyes than those moments you realize you wouldn't have it any other way. With every argument, financial constraint, long commute, and sleepless night, there is no greater joy for me than holding my son against my shoulder as he falls asleep. Not a peep out of him as I slowly lower him into his crib. Tomorrow we will start it all over again. And we can only hope that those moments are more frequent than the not-so-proud moments.

An outdoorsman

We have recently discovered Benjamin's true love of the outdoors. He has always enjoyed taking walks in the park in the stroller, but now he really likes to play in the dirt. We dressed him up for a cold day at the park quite awhile ago and he had fun pulling at the grass and attempting to eat it. The daycare has commented that when they spread a blanket outside for the babies to play on, Benjamin refuses to stay on it! He wants to go play in the grass and mud and usually requires a clothing change. The best way to be a little boy in my opinion. Hopefully one day we will have a yard for him to play in. His "slightly" tomboyish mother is definitely looking forward to Saturday morning peewee soccer.

A little Late

There will be a lot of posts coming soon as we finally get all our phots loaded on here. Benjamin is a growing boy-almost one year now!! Christmas and my own birthday are upon us and we have to post some pictures back from Thanksgiving and some days we spent in the park with the little man-hopefully soon!